When I got married, my MIL gave me a couple books that were gathering dust in her basement. (Giving gifts from her basement is something my MIL loves to do. She sees it as a win-win. She gets crap out of her basement, and you get the crap. How is this not wonderful?!)
The first book she gave me was a Christian guide to marriage. It included a really amusing instruction manual for having sex, which provided the following steps for the husband to follow:
Step 1 – Hold your wife’s hand.
Step 2 – Kiss your wife’s hand.
Step 3 – Caress her arms.
Step 4 – Kiss your wife on the cheek.
Step 5 – Kiss your wife on the lips.
Step 6 – After the proper amount of time has passed, use a small amount of tongue while kissing.
Step 6 – Touch your wife’s breast through her clothing.
Step 7 – Remove your wife’s shirt.
Step 8 – Touch your wife’s breast with bra on.
Step 9 – Remove bra.
Step 10 – Touch bare breast.
…and so on. You get the picture. The book admonished anyone who tried to skip a step, or not follow the steps at all. The book also cautioned that this list should be followed to the letter for each love making session. Failure to follow all the steps, in order, would make the wife feel used and unloved. She would be no better than a cheap hooker on the street.
We can’t go around feeling like cheap hookers, amirite?
The other book my MIL gave me was a New Bride’s Guide to Keeping House, published in 1963. It was full of instructions a 1960s housewife would need.
Need to know how to sew chintz curtains? Check.
Desperate for decor ideas for your nursery? We got you, fam.
Throwing a party this weekend and have no idea what to serve? This book had your back. It had recipes, like a delicious seafood loaf recipe.
What is seafood loaf, you ask?
Its like meatloaf, but made out of tuna, mayonnaise, stuffed green olives, and vomit.
I really wish I still had that book, because it was hilarious. Unfortunately, it got chucked during the great We’re Having a Baby House Purge of 2014. However, I did happen to get a pic of the seafood loaf before I tossed the book:
Mmmmmm. Seafood loaf.